On Aging
[i]I have wrinkles, I’m convinced.
They’re not set on the surface, but when I frown, they hesitate to bow out of my sight immediately, like before, like back in the day. Times were better back in the day, my skin snapped back into place like a rubber band, soft as a rose petal. Now I’m starting to feel like it’s the surface of balled pizza dough with too much flour on its surface. I go to the mirror and tug my face into dewy tautness[ii]. Until, I frown again.
They say vain people have nightmares of teeth falling out. The more teeth that fall out, the vainer you are, probably, because in my dreams all of my teeth fall out at once, like strung pearls that have chosen to stop being my teeth. In these dreams, I grab one end of these linked, mutinous teeth, and try my damndest to keep them in my mouth. I use glue, staples, tape. I nod my head instead of saying “yes”, one hand applying pressure to my cheek and jaw.
How much money have I spent on beauty and anti-aging products? I once read a book about cosmetics, high and low-end, and I learned that a lot of beauty products, high AND low, are manufactured in the same factories. My friend once told me, “I took a marketing class, and most of the money is spent on convincing you it’s all worth that much. Scam.” This, as I was pulling out my little black compacts and gold-rimmed face wash out of their boxes (a friend-crime, I know![iii]) I once researched that class action lawsuit against the cosmetics industry and major department stores, read about fixed prices, etc. While all these things might point a different type of person in money-saving directions, I was still, alas, the person asking the Sephora girl, “Is there anything that does what this does”—here, I tap the bottle—“but more expensive?”
Yesterday, I was watching HBO on the treadmill at the gym, when a documentary about beauty and aging came on. Watching this movie, and its idiosyncratic, insecure characters, reminded me that I’ve been meaning to write about these things, because lately, with my face feeling like decaying Play-Doh, I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been changing my game plan.
It all happened when my good friends complimented me on my skin. Later that night, I isolated myself in the bathroom to prove to myself just how wrong they were. I looked at every pore, bump, freckle, every line, every hair and, remembering how my makeup simply doesn’t adhere the same way anymore, I decided that my life was over. I didn’t sleep that night, looking up websites and miracle products, convinced I would find the fountain of youth. By dawn I had found my answers, which are more like crazy person resolutions: no more cigarettes, no more alcohol, no more animal products, no more sun, no more caffeine, exercise everyday for the rest of my life, sleep a lot, start yoga-ing, only drink water, eat grapes a lot, buy that crazy European sunscreen[iv], resume daily consumption of all those vitamins I have in my kitchen (borage oil, DMAE, biotin, ALA, l-lysine, l-carnitine, raw calcium, etc)[v], and figure out a new beauty routine.
Most of these things didn’t stick[vi], but I did renovate my beauty routine. I am now down to two methods of skin-care, all of which average at about $15 a month. The first method[vii] makes me feel like a hippie, but, because it works unlike anything I’ve ever tried, I’m now considering things like making my own vinegar/baking soda shampoo. I think it’ll be interesting to see what happens when I discover what the completely opposite and zany world of DIY beauty has to offer. I mean, aspiring masks and such? Get the fuck out, I’m down.
The second method makes me feel like a criminal, which makes it twice the fun actually.
I still have dozens of bottles of beauty products, and since I’m the kind of person who doesn’t waste, it’ll be a while before I can say I made my own tooth-paste, toner, and laundry detergent out of champagne[viii]. Still, I’d like to try. A part of growing old is getting wise. I’m not ever going to pay $150 for a face product ever again[ix], I don’t care if it’s made of wine or diamonds. I’d like to look innocent, fresh, green. But not, you know, be.
-2010
[i] This is the only current picture I have. I only have a picture of me on Halloween. I am sorry. I supply this as reference only, necessary probably for Footnote [vi].
[ii] Vitamin E oil works to delude a girl into thinking she has vibrant, dewy skin.
[iii] A self-aware consumer, understanding that the pleasure is mainly derived from the packaging and not the actual product, might acknowledge and love that acute, shameless feeling the consumer feels when the consumer holds that pretty bitty cardboard box, like, “THIS BELONGS TO ME NOW EVERYBODY LOOK AT THIS AND ME.”
[iv] The one that is not very available in the US.
[v] I’ve been here before, apparently.
[vi] Guess which ones! (Consult Footnote [i] ).
[vii] I amend this method to include Tea Tree Oil, because it smells fucking amazing and is also cleansing.
[viii] Or peaches, egg whites, avocado, honey, olive oil, whatever.
