The Love Song of R. Anica Dewdrop

One of my favorite things to do is read the inquiries found in advice columns and offer my own advice aloud. Here is that advice.

From Slate’s “Dear Prudence” column:

Q. Simple: I’m in my early 20s, recently married, and in love with my husband. I know this is one of the most simple questions but: What do I do about this feeling I have been getting lately that I want to sleep with every man I meet?! I just can’t stop thinking about sex! It’s driving me nuts! And I’m afraid it might affect my relationship with my husband.

A. Lately, you’ve been getting this feeling? Not a moment before? I’m just so confused.

From The Stranger’s “Savage Love” column:

Q. I’m a 19-year-old heterosexual female. When I get a boyfriend, I get so nervous that I get physically sick. It makes dating very stressful and it feels like I can’t have a normal relationship because I have to think about not throwing up when I really just want to enjoy his company. I feel particularly sick when things start to heat up with a boy. Now I try to stay out of relationships because I don’t think anyone will want to deal with this problem. How can I help condition my way out of it? Should I see another shrink?

A.This used to happen to me all the time! Except I wouldn’t get sick around only men, I was nauseous driving around town, going to work, walking to my car. It turned out to be my birth control. Is it maybe your birth control?

From The Atlantic’s “What’s Your Problem?” Column:

Q. I’m a vegan, which poses no problems except when I’m with my carnivorous family. I don’t expect them to change the way they eat, but it is difficult to share meals both at home (it’s insulting to them if I cook for myself, but they insist on buttering the vegetables) and out (“What’s vegan?”). My mother gets annoyed that I don’t partake in traditional activities like making s’mores. I’ve tried cooking for my parents, but they don’t like anything I make and resent my “preaching” to my siblings. How do I meld these two lifestyles?

A. Whatever you do, don’t talk. EVER. When you eat foods that are vegan, try to limit your words to monosyllabled sentences of no more than 5 words. And just be really honest. (“This is so good.” “This tastes not so good.”)

One thing I’ve found is that people project their shit onto others all the time. And humans are CRAZY when it comes to their food. It is metaphor, it is ritual, it is comfort, it is fuel. It is an anchor by which we foster celebration, it can be a source of pain or neuroses.

Vegans threaten most assumptions involved in all of the above.

You’ll never meld these specific antithetical lifestyles, because, if you’re not living in Southern California, people will more than likely hear judgement or perceive offenses where there are none. So just enjoy your awesome food, smile a lot, and remember that you don’t have to be a spokesperson for or defend against anything or anybody.

From my first and only Tumblr “Ask Me Anything” submission:

Q. how do i stop being a crazy anxious mess about my relationship and the idea of being left and unloved? my partner is loving and wonderful, but as soon as things get good i push him away by getting all cray cray.

A. You should embrace it and listen to a lot of Jenny Lewis. Or embrace it and write your own music. Here, like this, lemme show you. La la brace yourself, you’re about to embrace yourself or embarrass yourself la la la.
I like to think that someday I’ll make a wonderful wife/mistress, but that day is not today and I’m cool with that day never arriving either. I’m not even sure if I’m somebody’s girlfriend right now or not actually. I may have a boyfriend, I don’t quite know. I mean, we have so much fun all the time, so much so that we never sit down and talk seriously except for late at night when I saunter in, with a glass of wine in hand, and say, “what is?” and he says “go to sleep, honey, already.” If I do, if this is, this time I have hope that I’ll be the best I can be. I guess I should figure that stuff out before I continue writing this stuff. So, to answer your question: good luck!