Some More Stuff and Such Regarding That From Before, As Per a Request
INTRO
One thing I will always say about him is that he was a gentleman to ME. When we were a couple, we would dine at five-star restaurants, pass the time at world-class resorts, all the while stepping out of Bentleys and Benzes, and shopping like idiots on that one stupid street, and I never once caught him eyeing another woman. Trust me. Women know. And I knew. After a while, I couldn’t help but wonder how hard it was for him, as it was clear that gorgeous young women were eyeing him in his 22-inch rimmed coup, wearing a custom diamond-studded Breitling made specifically for people with that car. I personally didn’t expect him to never flirt, but he brought an art to non-flirting in front of me. For all of the years we were together he acted like I was the only person in the room. That’s one reason I’ll always consider him a stand-up, loyal guy, in spite of everything that came after I left him and what, I’m sure, will come to pass in the future.
SEQUEL, AS PER A REQUEST
A week before last Christmas, I went to give him his present and he started talking about how certain girls with whom he is acquainted all really want to live in his house.
“Oh, come on, dude. You’re exaggerating.”
“Don’t call me ‘dude’, you know I hate that. And, no, they ACTUALLY SAY THESE THINGS ALOUD.”
“Much like I could walk into the White House and say, ALOUD, wow, can I live here please?” Obviously, not in the Abraham Lincoln Room.
He looked frustrated. “Here, I’ll show you.” He picked up his iPhone and dialed a number, then set the call to speaker-phone.
A girl with a throaty voice answered: “Hey, baby.”
“Real quick, do you want to live here?”
Silence. “Wait, for real?”
“Yes.”
Longer silence. “I mean, you know I—It’s a big yea—”
“You sound like shit, what, are you sick?”
“Yeah, I’m starting to get sick, but. I don’t have anyone to take care of me. Can I co—”
“You should handle that. Gotta run.”
The girl began to say “Love you”, but he hung up before her last vowel could embarrass itself along with the letters before it.
He looked disgusted. “See what I mean?”
“Yeah.” I patted his arm. “I really do.”
Around this time, he was already talking seriously about #### from before, but he had also claimed to really like another girl who went by the name of Jewelz, who made a living sewing Swarovski-element glass to bikinis. So I wasn’t sure what to believe about his lovelife and where it would take him someday, until one Sunday he called to say that #### had taken him to church.
“What do you mean. You guys went to Mass together?”
“Yeah.
“The porn star took you to church. Are you serious!”
“Can you please call her by her name?”
“A___ L___ took you to church.”
“Her REAL name.”
The next thing out of his mouth was: “You should meet her. You guys would get along great. She loves shoes probably as much as you do!”
“Sure, I’d love to meet her.” As I thought about it, I decided I would do everything in my power to never meet her.
But one day I get a call, and he’s on the other line.
“Hey, Roze. How are ya. So I have #### here with me, she came over, and she, well, she’s expressed some concerns. Can you help me out here—she wants to know how I feel about her; whether she has anything or anybody to worry about. I told her you’re the person who knows me the best. You’re the one person in the entire world, I tell you everything. Can you please tell her.”
“Ye-uh. Sure—”
“We’re on speaker phone. Here, I’ll hand her the phone.”
Inaudible muffled noises. Then, finally, the pressing of fingers on dense phone-plastic.
“Hi, ####? Nice to meet you!”
Silence.
“Ok, well, so I’ve known $$$$$ for about 6 years now, and he’s just a really stand-up guy. Really, just, the best. And he’s told me so much about how he cares about you and that you’re important to him, and he really does tell me waaaay too much, so just, trust me when I say you’re… You have nothing to worry about. You couldn’t be in better hands—”
Silence.
“You know?”
Finally: “Ok.”
“Ok! Great. Super nice to meet you!”
By the time I’ve said “super nice to”, $$$$$ is back on the phone. “She’s, uh, quiet today, I’m not sure. What did you tell her?”
“The truth!”
“I knew I could count on you.”
“Anytime, dude.”
“Don’t call me ‘dude’.”
