The Love Song of R. Anica Dewdrop

One of my favorite things to do is read the inquiries found in advice columns and offer my own advice aloud. Here is that advice.

From Slate’s “Dear Prudence” column:

Q. My husband and I met in college in an English class, and our first date was mostly a conversation about our favorite novels. One of my all-time favorite works is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. I’m pregnant with my first child, and I want to name our daughter (it’s a girl!) Lolita. However, I’m worried that all the ties the name has with pornography and child molestation may outweigh the beauty of the name and significance the book has had in my life. My husband is ambivalent regarding the idea. What should we do?

A. I’m going to name my daughter Bovarina! Or Dewdrop the Second. Names I also considered the other day were variations of what Joan Didion and Gwyneth Paltrow named their daughters (after a Mexican state and a piece of fruit, respectively). So, to answer your question, I have only read two pages of Lolita, but that was enough for me to think of that sole passage every single time I roadtrip around Southern California.
I am going to allow this.

From The Hairpin’s “Ask A Married Dude” column:

Q. I am 31 years old and dating a real champion, for the last year or so, who is 33 years old. He has never really totally committed to anyone and his relationships has lasted for a few months at a time. Although his family is of the opinion that he will never get married, he has expressed that he would love to get married if he is 100% certain of his choice. Now, I have respect for that and feel exactly the same way. But let’s be honest here, I am not celebrating my 21st birthday this year (thank god!) and even though Botox does wonders for me, I am not getting any younger. I don’t have the desire to get married right away, but I would like to know that I’m in a relationship that can ultimately lead to that. If not, I would rather get out now … hurtful or not, that’s not the point.
I would like to get married to him someday, but I am shit scared that he might decide after two years that I am not the one he wants to get married to, and then I’ll have to start dating someone from the “divorced-with-two-children” group. I don’t want to squeeze the spontaneity from our relationship and I’m sure as hell not having “THE TALK” with him. So, should I just chill out and give this relationship a chance to grow at its own pace or or should I start giving subtle hints … like leaving bridal magazines laying around? Kidding! OK, seriously … how do I know whether he’s serious enough to consider getting married to me someday? Or is this something that only time will tell?

A. You need to find out why his family says he’ll never get married! I’m serious, the family knows things. This is important! Did you know that if I was in a relationship and really reallllly in love with that person but didn’t know if I even wanted to get married in GENERAL that I would absolutely say, “Yeah, marriage sounds good, if i’m 100% sure about it,” fully hoping that everyone forgets about that part of life until I’M ready goddamnit, Mom???

From The Stranger’s “Savage Love” column:

Q. I would like to know why my husband is divorcing me to marry an 87-year-old woman. Signed, Extremely Humiliated

A. I would not be humiliated at all, I would write a novel about this. And I would call it The Curious Life of Benjamina Buttona.

From My Second “Ask Me Anything” submission:

Q. Why does NC suck?!… this isn’t Peter.

A. Hi, Peter! I think North Carolina sucks, because I’m not there. In fact, I know it is.